Himesh Reshammiya singing

They say ‘vanity knows no bounds’. But in Bollywood, this quote rings true with just one minor alteration – vanity and an insatiable hunger for free, undeserved publicity know no bounds.

Take for instance the dozens of airheaded bimbos who proudly flaunt their surgically enhanced assets and Botox-injected lips with merry abandon, only to staunchly deny all accusations of the dreaded P word – Plastic surgery.

The newest kid on the block to hop on to this surgically enhanced bandwagon is none other than our very own Himesh ‘ooooohhhh huzooooor’ Reshammiya who first went to great lengths to announce a super-dooper top-secret expose with his maiden Bollywood debut, claiming that it would finally reveal the ‘real secret’ behind his incessant need to wear a cap. Well, the film sank without a trace, and the junta soon learned that Himesh’s claims were nothing more than hot-air about his rapidly thinning hairline.

So, a dozen ridiculous wigs and a shoddy hair-weaving job later, Himesh finally landed his second role opposite a cleavage-heaving starlet and promptly got to work planning a new ‘expose’ to lure audiences into wasting their hard-earned money over his pitiful histrionics. Thus arrived his ‘second voice’ which has been kept secret from the public for god-knows-what reason… until the release of his second movie, that is.

Himesh claims:

“I can only say that I have been blessed with two distinct voices – one is a high-pitched nasal voice and the other is a middle octave voice. All this time, people have heard my high-pitched vocal verve, with Mann Ka Radio it is my other awaaz.”

By now, the junta had had enough of Himesh’s brain-dead claims to pay absolutely no attention to his brand new voice… which is when Himesh realized that he needed something much bigger, more spectacular and more controversial to set tongues wagging.

And so, the calculating crooner finally decided to go under the knife to re-shape his naak. So now, we don’t just have to endure two voices (like one wasn’t bad enough), we also have to unwillingly gawk at his plastic hooter and supposedly toned and trimmed body!

Aarrgh… the agony of it all! Himesh bhai, please go back to recording studio and lock yourself in there for good, until you finally realize that the only words we want to hear from you, don’t need to be spoken – they need to be sung… and tunefully at that.

Stop wasting your time and ours with your mid-life crisis and age-inappropriate dress sense. Hard to believe but some of us actually liked you when you restricted your loud mouth to crooning catchy numbers. But that respect is fading, fast…so if you want to hold on to your diminishing fan base and credibility…. shut up and sing!