Come election time and our neta babus toss all inhibitions aside to indulge in the most outlandish gimmicks… cheesy enough to make even hardened fame-hustlers like Sherlyn Chopra and Loudmouth Sawant duck for cover.
With the Maharashtra Assembly elections just around the corner, our MNS chiefs seem to have traded their brains and sensibilities for those of 2-year old, tantrum-throwing spoilt brats.
First in line is Chief Minister Ashok Chavan who called Raj Thackeray a ‘croaking frog’. Not to be outdone, Raj Thackeray retaliated in kind, mincing no words as he called Uddhav Thackeray an ‘aitya bilawar nagoba’. For the uninitiated, his flowery language can loosely be translated as ‘a snake who always claims a readymade home, instead of toiling for it’. Interesting, huh?
Well, there’s more where that came from.
Uddhav Thackeray decided to hop on to the bandwagon as well, but rather than poke his pudgy fingers at more ‘powerful, better-connected’ opponents, he turned the tables on himself by refusing to comment on the Congress-NCP alliance, claiming that ‘he would be put into a cage like a rat’ if he dared to raise his voice of dissent.
By now, we have a rat, a snake and a frog. Goodie! What’s next?
Having run out of animals and reptiles to draw inspiration from, our netas turned to not-so-clever tongue-in-cheek repartee. Uddhav Thackeray leads the brat pack by cheekily stating that Raj isn’t ‘a superman, but a supari man’ (read: a contract killer).
And if that wasn’t creative enough, our MNS chiefs also resorted to cheap potshots about their opponents’ health, citing imaginary medical problems. Case in point being MNS leader Shirish Parkar who merrily called for the resignation of BJP Union Minister Ram Naik, stating that he needs regular blood transfusions. Logical enough, one would say, except that no-one, apart from the astute Mr. Parkar seems to have this detailed first-hand insight into Mr. Naik’s health woes… and this includes Mr. Naik himself!
With all this strategic name-calling our elections seem more like a free-for-all, mud-slinging bitch-fest… which is rather alarming considering that these immature, juvenile squabbling babu-log are responsible for making many life and career-altering decisions. But then, given our age-old legacy of uninhibited drama and exaggeration, what’s life without a Bollywood-style masala… eh?
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Once upon a time, in a land not-so-far-away, there was a blazing acting stalwart named Rajesh Khanna. Mr. Khanna, who wasn’t exactly your clichéd brawny knight in shining armor, delivered brilliant celluloid masterpieces like Anand, Bawarchi and Aavishkaar… all by sheer force of his unbeatable acting talent.
Fast-forward to the early 21st century, and our dearly beloved Kaka babu underwent a series of hideous transformations, until he finally devolved into a haggard, lecherous has-been, whose movie-selection criteria revolve around the number of voluptuous, scantily-clothed starlets he gets to grope and slather his aging tongue at.
Needless to say, the B-grade flicks tanked without so much as a ripple, leaving a desperate Mr. Khanna to look for greener, juicier, and ‘more youthful’ pastures. Luckily for him, his search coincided with the casting of Bigg Boss 3, which had already lined up silicon-loaded mamas like Sherlyn Chopra and Shamita Shetty.
Mr. Khanna was all too eager to grab this amazingly lucrative opportunity to get down and dirty with two of Bollywood’s most oomph-a-licious bimbos. And then, the producers of Bigg Boss 3 divulged the unthinkable… leery Mr. Khanna would be denied his daily rum and coke through the entire duration of his stay in the Bigg Boss House.
Where’s the mazzaa in groping at nubile nymphets if you don’t have your daily dose of daaru to wash it all down? No no, Mr. Khanna would have none of it. With daamad Akshay Kumar roping in a bevy of bikini-clad PYTs for his Khatron ke Khiladi, Mr. Khanna was pretty darn sure he could coerce playboy Akki into pulling a few strings and landing him an equally Don Juan’esque role.
Well, on the brighter side, Mama Dimple and beti Twinkle must be heaving plenty of relieved sighs… given that just about anyone who makes it past the first couple of elimination rounds at Bigg Boss seems to instantly lose any last shred of sanity and good taste.
So for your sakes, fair ladies of the Khanna household, let’s raise a very thankful toast to Bigg Boss and their no-drinking policy! Hic!
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For Ranbir Kapoor, his career has never looked better. After delivering a stupendous performance in Wake Up Sid which had fans and critics fawning over Bollywood’s new blue-eyed-boy, the young Kapoor lad has surely etched his way into the hallowed Bollywood A-lister Hall of Fame.
So, as a supposed Ranbir well-wisher, Wake Up Sid should undoubtedly be girlfriend Deepika Padukone’s flick-of-choice, right?
Lately, it seems like the only thing that’s constantly on Deepika’s mind is her boyfriend being snatched away and lapped up by any of the numerous nubile lasses, flitting about in Bollywood-land (read: Katrina Kaif, Sonam Kapoor et al)
So, going back to where we began, her insecurity also makes Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani very special for Madame Padukone. Wonder why?
- Ranbir spent the better part of an entire day of shooting reeking of pesticide: That’s right… the young lad was so caught up in his conversation with the film’s crew, he inadvertently sprayed his underarms with generous doses of insect repellent, mistaking the can for his favorite deodorant. Needless to say, his co-stars weren’t very impressed with the torturous hours they had to spend with a foul-smelling Ranbir, which also translate into a few hours of no-boyfriend-stealing ploys for a suspicious Deepika.
- Ranbir spent days dressed like a stone statue: I know the director of Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani has taken a few creative allowances with the vocal and emoting abilities of stone, but if there’s one thing Ranbir can’t do in his stiff, stone-man avatar… it has to be chasing a natty-looking Katrina Kaif through trees, or engage in romantic coffee-soaked conversations with her.
- Ranbir nearly broke Katrina’s nose: This one has to be a biggie for the insanely jealous and insecure Deepika. Unfortunately for her, the nose-shattering accident was only part of a shoot, and not Ranbir’s attempts to shake Kat off his trail. But, I’m willing to bet that Deepika isn’t spending too many sleepless nights over why Kat’s nose was bruised… as long as Ranbir was the one swinging the shattering blow, a smug Deepika can rest assured that Kat won’t be too close for comfort with Ranbir in the immediate future!
Deepika, now that Ranbir has finally taken the big, bold leap of making your little romantic tryst public, you can perhaps take it a little easy and not keep hounding young Kapoor to make sure he’s yours for keeps? Haven’t you heard that hackneyed, but very true, saying about loving a person and letting him go?
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When were huge backsides in? There was a time when Sir Mix-A-Lot sang the infamous I like Big Butts but I thought that was the end of the big butt frenzy. I however, was mistaken because then came bootylicious Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and more recently Kim Kardashian shaking their huge backsides to fame and fortune.
Enter Bollywood. Remember how the careers of Bollywood actresses has been inversely proportional to the size of their backsides? Remember Shilpa Shirodkar, Rambha and the likes who got booted because of their booty?
You must be wondering why I am incessantly talking about butts, backsides and booty. It is because I just found out that Shahid Kapoor uses bum bags to make his butt appear bigger than it actually is!
I don’t know who or what his inspiration is. The man can act. The man can dance. The mans has celebrity parents. The man even had a string of gorgeous girlfriends. These are the makings of a perfect Bollywood life. Why then this insecurity? We have seen bimbos like Sherlyn and Rakhi go for silicon enhancement in their bosoms for the want of work, fame and recognition. Shahid, it seems is on a similar path. Only difference is that he’s gone a little below the belt!
Shahid dude, I can understand women being finicky about the size and roundness of their butt. But, I am finding it a little hard to understand why a perfectly attractive (some might even say pretty) male specimen would be so fixated on his backside to the point where he wears bum bags in public. It is a little odd if you ask me and sends the wrong message to the wrong people (wink! wink!). Red-blooded males are supposed to be muscular with killer abs…. not bootylicious like Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Rhamba! Something isn’t gelling right here but to each his/her own in this crazy mixed-up world of Bollywood.
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Blood does run thicker than water and that was just proved by none other than Rakhi Sawant! If you’ve seen even a single episode of the third season of Bigg Boss, you know what a disaster Rakhi’s mom is! She sings provocative songs and shakes a leg or two dancing to what she calls ‘meri Rakhi ka gana’. Of course the song she’s dancing to is not her daughter’s song… but I digress…
Rakhi is upset with Tanaaz Karim. You may wonder why. Well it is because Tanaaz, who is a housemate with mama Sawant at the house of Bigg Boss, is not paying due respect and attention to her.
Rakhi may not be on talking terms with her family. She may have not invited her family to her make believe wedding. She may not even acknowledge their existence, but she will let anyone insult her blood relations …as long as it gives our fame-pimping hustler a chance to be in limelight. So don’t you dare mess with Rakhi’s mother, housemates of Bigg Boss, or you will experience the wrath of Rakhi… or her unending high pitched monologue in front of the cameras. Well, like it or not, you have a choice between tolerating Jaya Sawant’s uber dramatic tantrums or deal with her daughter’s cheap media grabbing ones.
If you insist on subjecting yourself to these stomach-turning interludes, at least have some medication for acid reflux or nausea near at hand. You’ll need it!
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In a previous post, I’d talked about Sallu’s inexplicable Aishwarya fixation, the highlights of which were a Kajra re rip off executed to creep-worthy perfection by a fading Preity Zinta, and a certain Ms. Ullal who could make mega-bucks as an Ash look-alike should she choose to revive her long-forgotten B-town ambitions.
At that time, I’d summed it up to an Ash-reflux or hangover… but lately, it seems like Salman bhai’s uncanny fixation with cheap imitations of his Bollywood Queen-Bee girlfriends is going a tad too far.
According to recent reports by a leading Mumbai rag, Sallu is keen on making a Parisian romantic saga starring a newfound phirang unknown. Hardly surprising, considering his past ‘international venture’ (read: Bollywood dud) named Marigold featured a very confused-looking Ali Larter, and sank without a trace at the box-office.
However, interestingly enough, Sallu’s latest venture comes with a strict set of instructions to an unnamed French casting agency – they have been asked to look for a female lead who looks distinctly Caucasian with subtle hints of desi khoobsoorti. In other, less complicated words, Sallu’s on the lookout for a Katrina Kaif lookalike.
Which brings us to a very pertinent question – Why?
What’s Sallu’s motive behind this seemingly-bizarre need to swap his girlfriends with lesser-known substitutes? Of course, being the diplomat that he is, Sallu’s publicist vehemently insists that the only reason for this Kat-swap is because Salman and Katrina have mutually agreed to not star together.
But given Ms. Kaif’s recent rebellious episodes on national television which had her hugging a nervous Neil Nitin Mukesh much to the surprise of an uncomfortable-looking Salman, is this his macho-dude way of telling Katrina:
“Sorry girlfriend, I know you think you’re too hot and all… but look at what I found! A girl who looks, talks and walks like you, and hopefully will be much more grateful to the family she’s piggy-backing on to, for Bollywood success”?
If memory serves accurately (which I’m sure it does), Sallu also pulled a clone-coup on his hoity girlfriend with his choice of actresses in his forthcoming film titled Veer which features a very Katrina-resembling Zarine Khan. And this, after Sallu bhai rubbishes all reports of a split between his larger-than-life self and Katrina.
Hmmm… I have no clue about which way this star-studded romance is headed, but one thing’s for sure – it’s sure going to be very interesting to watch how it eventually shapes up!
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Flute Maestro Pandit Hariprasad Chaurasia shows fake celebs what genuine class and success are all about!
While our Bollywood copy-cat filmmakers are busy scrambling over themselves, trying to ape Bono and other rock demi-gods with high hopes of gaining Western mainstream acceptance, acclaimed flutist Pundit Hariprasad Chaurasia quietly beat them at their own game, showing all our starry-eyed wannabes just how things are done.
Even as Mr. Ego-maniac Khan flaunts his barely-deserved honorary PhD, the 71-year old flutist who is a regular feature at haute Parisian music fests, was knighted by the French Government – an honor hitherto reserved for modern-day living legends like magician and illusionist David Copperfield and Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling.
What’s more, Punditji is also being honored with a special two-day long celebration in Paris… this, at a time when classical Indian music is so passé with our teeny-bopper brat-pack who causally flaunt faux accents and wax eloquent about their phoreign getaways.
So, in an era of shameless Hollywood posturing, the news of Pundit Chaurasia’s mega-success comes as a much-needed breath of fresh air… especially for all those of us who seem to have forgotten the very foundation of super-stardom and international acclaim. And no, it isn’t about your latest designer threads, or how well you can ape Rihanna under your bathroom shower – it has to do with three little things called ‘hard work’, ‘perseverance’ and ‘sheer genius’.
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It all began with the cheesy, televised Swayamvar, which had a very decadent and equally obnoxious Rakhi Sawant batting her fake eyelashes and dishing out her half-baked atrocious sound bytes at all and anyone who would care to listen.
Along came Mr. Elesh Parujanwala with his mighty promises of phirang lands and glorious riches. Not surprisingly, Ms. Sawant was only too eager to lap all of Elesh’s tall tales, and declared him to be the man she’d been waiting several lifetimes for.
Not one to be outdone, Mama Sawant realized that this disgusting Swayamvar could very well be her first and only shot at overnight celebrity status, and created a huge ruckus about Rakhi not asking for her ‘permission’ and ‘opinion’ about Elesh vada-pav.
Rakhi, being the insatiable fame-whore that she is, refused to allow Mama Sawant to the ‘most special day of her entire life’… which surprisingly, never took off after Elesh revealed his not-so-affluent origins and months-old unemployment.
By now, Mama Sawant has seen, heard and experienced enough. So, she decides to follow her inglorious, tarty daughter’s footsteps by making a bee-line for the attention-starved, humbug Bigg Boss series.
So, if Mama Sawant’s career graph is any indication of times to come, does this mean that also have to bear a melodramatic, well-past-her-prime, fame-mongering cougar offering lip-service to a dozen giddy, small-town males? And should push come to a shove, will Mama Sawant also proceed to thrust her silicon bosom at just about every other private party and shady awards’ ‘functions’?
Ewww…. And we thought Rakhi Sawant was bad news!
A special word to the makers of Bigg Boss: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???!!
Last time I checked, Bigg Boss was supposed to be (or was supposed to at least try to be) entertaining and creative. With the way things are shaping up, why don’t you just bunk Big B’s pseudo pop philosophy and rename the show as ‘Sawant Kutumb ki Chatt-patti batein’, or maybe ‘Jo dikhta hai, wahi bikta hai’ in classic Rakhi Sawant ishtyle?
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The much-hyped borrowed baby show featuring washed out starlets like Mouni Roy and of course, our very own Rakhi ‘loudmouth’ Sawant has finally attracted the wrath of the National Commission of Protection of Child Rights (NCPCR). They claim that tearing a child away from his / her biological parents can have disastrous implications on the child’s mental and physical well being.
Gee… so, it took NCPCR all of a good month or two of subjecting hapless toddlers to brainless, irresponsible nobodies before they finally realized that the children (who obviously have no say in what happens to them) were being treated unfairly? Brilliant deduction, NCPCR. We only wish you’d thought of this way before the show actually kicked off instead of waiting for Rakhi Sawant and Co. to flaunt their borrowed babies like trendy Gucci accessories.
The show organizers claim however, that the parents of these ‘borrowed children’ were not paid for loaning out their offspring, as they were already ‘rich’ and ‘educated’. What’s more, some of these parents also go on to claim that they were doing ‘social service’ by teaching celebrities the finer nuances of parenting. Say, what?
Which ‘rich’ and ‘educated’ parent in their right mind would loan their child out to Rakhi and Egg-head Parujanwalla, or even Mouni Roy and Gaurav Chopra who are more obsessed with pecking at each other, rather than bonding with the child they are supposed to be caring for?
It’s only now, after the show has attracted all this unnecessary hype and hoopla, that a couple of astute psychologists cry foul and blame the show-organizers for causing separation anxiety in the young, unwilling stars-to-be.
Methinks that in addition to the organizers, NCPCR should also haul up these irresponsible parents by the scruff of their necks and teach them a firm lesson or two about what caring for your child really means. Because the last time I checked, it certainly didn’t have to do with pimping your child out for your own personal and starry-eyed ambitions.
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Amrita Arora’s career hardly ever saw the light of the day. She tried playing the good girl and then the item girl but while both the things worked well for her fiery hot sister, it just didn’t work out well for her.
I always thought that she was jinxed. She’s beautiful… though obviously not talented, but willing to shed off clothes for a ’script that demands it’ (read: all movies). Frankly speaking, this works well in Bollywood, but not for poor Amrita. So when I found out that she got kicked off Season’s Greetings, what probably was going to be her last movie ever, I felt profoundly sad for her. Then, I found out why she got kicked off.
Well the girl happily gave away dates for for her availability but shooting schedules kept getting postponed and she forgot to mention to the team that she was planning a baby. Oh how nice she would have looked wearing a skimpy costume, shaking a leg, six months pregnant!
Though she does have a point. UTV didn’t inform her that she was bumped off the movie. But dear, you should have guessed as much. I mean haven’t you been a part of the Bollywood brigade long enough to know that this is no place for mommies and sensitive matters like courtesy and respect for others? Girl, get your priorities straight, stop feeling so cheated (it seems to have the makings of being a cheesy, largely forgettable flick anyway) and focus on what’s really important…that beautiful little babe who’s going to be calling you mamma very soon.
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