From the category archives:
Elesh
If there is someone in this world who inspires contradictory emotions, it’s Rakhi Sawant. There was a time when her crazy on-screen antics were surprising. Then I warmed up to her and she became amusing. Now, however, she is plain stupid and maybe a little conceited too. Just as you begin to think that Rakhi may have given you an overdose of ‘cheap’, she comes back with some more.
It’s perhaps hard to forget the Rakhi-Mika liplock, but her latest one is not only hard to forget, but also hard to digest. On one hand, she declares from rooftops how her love life with Elesh is doomed and how she cannot adjust to him. On the other, the woman is seen exchanging saliva with the same Elesh (who’s manhood I’m seriously beginning to doubt now) on Pati Patni Aur woh the reality series she’s currently working on.
Rakhi Sawant, can you give us a break? Seriously, we don’t want to see you any more… with or without your clothes on. We don’t want to see you locking lips with every Tom, Dick and Elesh and we certainly don’t want to see your cheap publicity stunts (which I might rather add, you have a talent for).
What bothers me most is Elesh. Seriously dude, what’s up with you? Don’t you have an off screen life that you one day dream of returning to? Or are you too taken in with the glamorous world of the silver screen? Though I’ve already said this once already, listen in carefully. In a few days, the show will be packed up and your lady luck (puke puke) will leave you. Consider yourself lucky if she does, but when that happens, you my friend are going to be really really laughed at clear across the continents from Asia to the Americas. And I have a suspicion that Rakhi will be leading the pack!
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I’m kind of at a loss of words to describe this phenomeon called Rakhee Sawant. Her many Swayamvars, fake parenting gigs, and in-your-face cleavage… I wouldn’t blink an eyelid at any of that, not any more at least.
But her latest status as a self-declared emissary of Jesus Christ has me stumped. And I’m totally zapped by her originality. There’s so many questions I’m dying to ask her. Here goes:
- Why Jesus? Why poor Jesus? Somehow, I can accept Krishna as Rakhee’s preferred diety, but Jesus…? Hasn’t he suffered enough for humanity already?
- Please do not act in this show, if you can do that one small favour for us. Please don’t take it in your head to be Mother Mary, and such. We’ll get really mixed up, and I’m not sure if we’ll ever be able to recover from such trauma.
- You say you have got a research team in place now. Errr, what exactly are they going to tell the world about Jesus that we already don’t know?
- Have you, in any way, been inspired by the success of Dan Brown’s books? (I hope to God the answer is no!) If yes, do you have any idea what kind of work actually went behind the success?
- If not, can you please tell us what exactly made you go ‘holy’, all of a sudden? I can’t take this curiosity, really.
Rakhee, may I suggest an innovative game/reality show, the theme of which will be something like, ‘Guess what’s on Rakhee’s mind’ or ‘What will Rakhee come up with next?’ Categories can include: “Making X-Rated Videos”; “Shameless Fame and Money Hustling”; “New Ways To Get Cheap Publicity” and “Poor Emasculated Elesh”.
And by the way, any news of Elesh, a guy you once used to know?
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Nothing is certain in this world except for one thing. Rakhi Sawant will always remain in the limelight for all the wrong reasons. She has been enjoying some good times after her successful Rakhi Ka Swayamvar and of course money and offers for other reality shows have been flowing in quite consistently. Enough to make any woman who’s clawed her way in from the ghettos of Mumbai feel good. Right?
Rakhi however, may not yet have reasons to celebrate. Recently, some desi videos which verge on being pornographic, have surfaced on the internet. The videos titled Kamasutra showcase a man and a woman sharing some… ummm… tender moments. While I don’t have much to say about the man, the woman looks eerily similar to Ms. Sawant. Enough to trash her career forever? Perhaps. But Rakhi is not someone who will go down in ashes so fast. I am sure she will have some use of this cheap publicity too. Maybe some tears accompanied by the question ‘Kya main insaan nahin hoon? Kya mujhe jeene ka haq naheen hai?’ on yet another reality show.
I wonder how Elesh is going to take this? If he is still nursing his hurt ego and manhood somewhere, this would be the right time to retract and save his dignity. Elesh, for your sake, I hope you are reading this!
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It’s official now. Dumb bimbo Rakhi Sawant is not going to marry Elesh. Any last shred of doubt will soon get cleared when in the last episode of Pati Patni aur Woh, Rakhi will declare that she has ‘compatibility’ issues with the NRI. Of course, the world only knew this from the beginning of her swayamvar but now, you will get to hear it from the horse’s mouth.
Of course, since television is what’s made tasteless Rakhi Sawant who she is today, it’s only natural that her betrothal as well as her separation from her betrothed, all happen on the silver screen. While the entire country expects this from Rakhi anyway, I am a little surprised at Elesh. He sits quietly, while his bride-to-be goes on and on about how it is difficult for her to adjust with his ‘extremely western demeanor’.
If I were Elesh, Rakhi would have been given a stern tongue lashing and relegated to ‘nuisance history’ in my life by now. However, since I am not him, the pleasure is not going to be mine. Anyway, money makes people do strange things. I do wonder though, what’s the price of Elesh’s self respect? Is he so desperate for a little notoriety that he is willing to stand behind sleazy Rakhi in her fast-fading 15 minutes of fame and allow himself to be humiliated in front of millions? Truly pathetic! Elesh sweetie, your dignity and manhood just called and they miss you terribly!
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Rakhi Sawant sure knows how to squeeze the very last drop from her 15 seconds of fame – be it the poorly orchestrated swayamvar, the soppy, strategically-dramatized romance with Elesh Parujanwala or even the ‘startling revelation’ of Elesh not living up to the proverbial Mr. Moneybags illusion he had initially created.
A few hours ago, the very Rakhi who took thousands of bored television viewers by storm with her woeful tales of Elesh’s dishonesty and bitter Kandivali vada pav origins, garlanded the same pointedly-Canadian groom amidst much hoopla. Clad in her signature cleavage-baring version of traditional bridal finery and glitzy costume jewelry, Rakhi traded her brazen ‘item girl’ façade for a more demure and painfully coy role of a blushing bride-to-be. But the real piece de resistance of the entire episode was her endless barrage of Grihasthashrama meanderings, which ranged from ancient verses from the Ramayana to her very own personal ‘insights’ and ‘reflections’ on life, the universe and everything in between.
So, will this wedding last once the gaudy pink garlands have faded and the audiences have switched their television sets off with a relieved sigh? Only time, and Elesh Parujanwala’s patience, can tell… until then, let’s grab some popcorn and wait for Mr. Mahajan’s moment in the sun, shall we?
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Rakhi Sawant’s shaadi is fast turning into a tragic-comedy of sorts with Rakhi complaining non-stop about everything from their incompatibility owing to Elesh’s education (and her illiteracy) to his sister’s impending marriage in Canada.
And now Rakhi’s suddenly discovered that Elesh is not as affluent as he had let on. In fact she says he’s been surviving on vada pavs during his stay in Mumbai and stays in a rented flat in Kandivali with a room-mate. Now, that’s her cue to drop him faster than she would drop a hot potato.
Suddenly Rakhi’s rediscovered her affections for her ex, Abhishek Awasthi and wants out from the alliance.
Please Rakhi, spare us the drama shama, won’t you!
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“Rakhi aces all the categories that I ever wanted in my woman. She is simply genuine and I love that about her. When I saw her first, she looked stunning and gorgeous,” Elesh said.
After I had puked and cleaned up the washbasin, I still could not decide whether…
- Rakhi is dumb
- Elesh is dumber
- Rakhi is smart
- Elesh is smarter
I thought for 3 hours and 15 minutes and then i added another option..
5. I don’t care
I thought for .0001 seconds and decided that this was the best option. Amen
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