From the category archives:
Bitchiest
Ekta Kapoor is busy offending mothers-in-law and stealing ideas at the same time
Filed under : Bitchiest, Ekta Kapoor
Ekta Kapoor must be a proud woman these days. Her clichéd, over-hyped and sensationalized dramas which inevitably create a meaningless divide between the two most important women in a man’s life – namely, his mother and wife, has finally created enough of a hullabaloo to inspire thousands of mothers in law (MILs) around the country to form a forum for their own protection.
Their reasoning is that the gamut of saas-bahu shows always paint the mother-in-law in demonic tones, patronizing the daughter-in-law to the extent that society now considers all MILs as potential villains. What’s more, this skewed perspective can prove very dangerous in real-life situations where the tables turn and MILs are at the receiving end of domestic cruelty.
Honestly people, why does there always have to be a ‘bad person’ in a domestic, marital relationship? Virtually everyone gets married these days, and they don’t all go through the motions of plotting, scheming and destroying a blissful home with their treachery. Instead of creating these meaningless forums which serve little purpose but to create suspicion where there is none, wouldn’t it make a lot more sense to spend the time and effort on your family?
More on Ekta…
Apparently, where there’s a scandal/mega-success, Ekta Kapoor’s never too far behind. After her deluge of demented soaps, the czarina of television has now turned her sights to Madhur Bhandarkar’s hugely successful film named ‘Fashion’ and has announced plans of launching a television show named – hold your breath – Fashion! How original!
Ekta, let’s set the record straight once and for all. Ripping off ideas isn’t cool at all, even more so when you claim to invest huge amounts of time and money on ‘conceptualizing’ pet projects. So, would it really hurt you to come up with something original, and non-sensational every once in a while? After hours of flipping through the idiot box looking for something interesting to watch, your soppy soaps tend to grate on the nerves. So, if you’re running out of lucrative project ideas, how about simply switching careers to something that keeps you away from the public forever? Like maybe a vault keeper or a snow flake counter at the peak of Mount Everest?
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Drama queen Priyanka tries to sell movie with her ‘mysterious lover’ ruse
Filed under : Bitchiest, Priyanka Chopra
For Priyanka Chopra, relationships do matter… they matter even more when she’s on the verge of a movie release with secret liaisons mysteriously springing up, and well-informed sources dropping loaded tips to enthusiastic journalists.
Not surprisingly, on the eve of her most ambitious venture to date, Ms. Chopra is busy dishing out interviews by the dozen, all of which suspiciously point towards a blooming romance with Hurman Baweja… that’s right, the same Hurman she dumped so unceremoniously when their mega-budget venture Love Story 2050 tanked at the box office. This time around, Priyanka opts to be far more discreet, dropping subtle hints about the possibility of a secret, mysterious lover.
In a recent interview with a leading Mumbai rag, Priyanka Chopra claimed that the most romantic thing someone had ever done for her was to make a CD with 12 of her favorite songs, and add a clever little voiceover before each song. Interestingly enough, Priyanka’s next film with Hurman called What’s Your Rashi? features the actress in 12 different avatars, which have to do with the 12 signs of the zodiac. 12 songs = 12 zodiac signs? Considering Priyanka’s track record, it sure isn’t a huge surprise.
But, it gets even better. Hurman Baweja jumps right in with his fond memories about the best gift he’s ever given his ‘special someone’. No prizes for guessing what the special gift is, and thus, who the unnamed recipient of Mr.Baweja’s affection is likely to be.
Priyanka, I’ve really got to hand it to you this time. If What’s Your Rashi? is as great a story as you claim it is, how come all we ever get to hear about it is about boring CD burning and fake spur-of-the-moment romances?
Why don’t you just focus on promoting the movie by speaking about the story, and your role in it? We really don’t want to know about your ’special someone’ be he real or imagined, because frankly, you’ve had so many boyfriends over the years, we’ve lost count and simply just don’t care.
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Star Wars Erupt Again as Aamir Disses SRK! How Will He Retaliate?
Filed under : Aamir Khan, Bitchiest
Slumdog Millionaire ace Danny Boyle thought he’d have it much easier in Bollywood, after his debut emerged as a runaway success – both critically and commercially. This man, who has worked with some of Hollywood’s most awe-inspiring names like Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton, probably expected the same level of professionalism and dignity with our Bollywood brat-pack, when he decided to launch his second Mumbai-based film named Bombay Velvet.
And so, against all odds (read: starry tantrums), he worked hard to rope in the two reigning superstars of Bollywoodland – namely, Shah Rukh Khan and Aamir Khan, in what was touted to be a casting coup of sorts. In the past, SRK has made no secret of his disdain (professional jealousy?) of Aamir, with generous sound bites and entire interviews dedicated to bad mouthing the Ghajini star. Not one to be outdone, Aamir responds in kind… creating a very boring, tiring and tedious Bollywood Star Wars for our news-starved media to lap up.
However, when working with a reputable, Oscar-winning name like Mr. Boyle, one would imagine that these two studs would put their petty disputes aside and get to the task of creating celluloid magic – after all, isn’t that what their job is really all about? Unfortunately, our Khan klan seems to think otherwise.
After a well-deserved (at least for us) vacation with wife Kiran, Aamir Khan is back where he began…taking cheap and totally unnecessary potshots at SRK. According to fresh reports from a leading Mumbai daily:
When Aamir walked in late on Sunday night, he was approached for an interview by a TV reporter. Since Aamir had returned from France, the reporter wanted to know whether, he too, like SRK, was stopped at international airports and interrogated for being a Khan. That’s when Aamir retorted that such checks are a routine matter. He also added tongue-in-cheek that, ‘No one checks me as I am an idiot’, obviously referring to his forthcoming film, 3 Idiots. Then he went on to add that SRK had a problem as he is very intelligent. Aamir’s obvious reference means that the fuss created by SRK about being stopped at the airports was a mere publicity stunt.
C’mon Aamir! Can we give the childish war of words a rest already? Yes, we know SRK created a huge hullabaloo over an incident which is almost commonplace in today’s times, and yes, we understand that it might have something to do with the subject matter of his latest flick My Name is Khan which deals with the plight of Indians in New York. It was a cheap publicity stunt… we get that.
As one of the leading names in Indian cinema, you should know better than to act like an immature, SRK-obsessed tattle-tale, whose only means of publicity is to diss another colleague. It’s called professionalism and it’s about time you learnt some.
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Unpatriotic Vijay…Rename your team ‘Force Mallya’ and be done with it!
Filed under : Bitchiest, Vijay mallya
Vijay Mallya, the unpatriotic snob he is, has said that no Indian driver is good enough for Formula One.
And it’s not just me who finds it odd that he calls his team Force India and yet, the team has no Indian who plays an important role. Bernie Ecclestone, the man who owns Formula One, is also disappointed that Mallya didn’t pick Karun Chandhok and instead chose Italian Vitantonio Liuzzi.
Now, I am sure Bernie had a reason to talk for Chandhok, who is already competing in GP2 series, which is a notch below F1. But no, that’s just not good enough for Mallya.
As Force India hardly has any Indians in it, except that it is owned by Mr Mallya, and as it now clear that it’ll have very little do with India in the future, too, I suggest that he rename his newest fancy to Force Mallya.
Don’t borrow from brand India ( which has given you so much), Mr Mallya, if you have no intention of giving back. Call it Force Kingfisher, Force Hic, Force Fathead, whatever. Just leave India out of it.
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How do our much-married, paunchy, aging desi superstars who are well into their late 40’s pull off candy-floss college romances as brazenly as they do?
The answer lies in a sneaky little cosmetic enhancement called ‘hair weaving’. In recent years, many of our so-called Bollywood macho men including a very forgettable Jackie Shroff, Sunny Deol and even our very own Sallu (don’t call me) bhai have resorted to using fake woven-in or transplanted hair as a last-ditch effort to revive their failing careers.
While Jackie Shroff’s hair weave faded away from public memory as effortlessly as his dismal films, Sunny Deol is still trying hard to convince us that his hair weave is the real secret to his Punjab-da-puttar heroism.
Sallu bhai on the other hand seems to have fared a little better, having bagged numerous plum projects all through his covert hair-transplant operation in Dubai. Lately however, Mr. Khan’s success seems to be encouraging him to let go of his appearance, the results of which were very obvious in two, very unflattering paparazzi shots from a recent promotional event.
Sallu, we do love you… bald patch, thinning hair and all. But seriously dude, I don’t think that the very wide hairless side parting is going to win you any bonus points for middle-age hotness, especially when you try pull off one of your juvenile puppy love roles. More than likely, it will land you offers to play the role of an 18-year old’s stern father or doting grandfather. Ouch! Don’t worry Sallu, there is still hope for you yet …you can consider hats, bandanas, more hair transplants or if things get really bad….. wigs or scalp painting. Dear…dear… that should make you feel better.
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In the Dil kare song in her next movie All The Best, Mugdha Godse is the only one on the entire set who isn’t wearing glares. Despite cold ‘glares’ from co-actors Ajay Devgn, Fardeen Khan, Bipasha Basu, and Sanjay Dutt, Mugdha firmly shed the shades.
As they say, she sticks out like a sore thumb, given that the backdrop dancers, too, were wearing some sort of eyewear. My hunch is that this was a very deliberate move by Miss Godse to make sure she is noticed amidst the multi-starrer frenzy. Sure we noticed you Mugdha, but only because you spoiled the dramatic impact of the lavish production with your desperate ruse. How long did you stand in the Goa sun waiting to do this number? It must have been a long, long time, because I suspect the sun may have fried quite a few of your brain cells to make you think, you could actually get some public relations mileage with this stupid stunt.
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Sameera Reddy may not have done well for herself in Bollywood, but the girl is sure hot like fire. She definitely does it for large women who may not even dare to give their dreams a chance at Bollywood. The girl’s really got some courage. But when it comes to brains, I am sad to say that she disappoints big time.
If it weren’t that apparent to you from her choice of roles (read Anil Kapoor’s sugar cane sucking dimwit partner in Race) then perhaps her latest stint on the ramp will give you something to think about. Notice how she raves and rants about Neeta Lulla’s latest bridal collection.
Don’t know for sure, but I have to ask. It seems as if you’ve got plans for your wedding dress already in place eh Sameera? Maybe you have also planned the make-believe wedding and the honeymoon as well? Yes? Now all that’s missing is your imaginary bridegroom-to-be?
Before this make-believe situation gets any creepier, may I suggest Sameera, that you log in to some of those ubiquitous online matrimonial sites. You are a pretty girl. With a little luck maybe you’ll find yourself a real fiance so you can actually plan a real wedding and stop living in fantasy land. Okay?
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Dear Ekta Chaudhary. I am really sorry that you couldn’t become an ambassador of world peace (isn’t that what you girls secretly think you are?) Though I don’t give a damn about the show, please don’t drag it in the mud with your completely thoughtless innuendoes about the pageant being racially biased. We know that this trump card worked for Shilpa Shetty in Big Brother, but if you use it ever too often, it will lose its charm.
Oh and by the way, if you’re worried about your ‘unconventional looks and six tattoes not being right for Bollywood’ then let me draw your attention to a certain infamous item girl of the industry who has been braving her tattooed body through the many ups and downs of Bollywood. Ms. Ekta, meet Ms. Rakhi Sawant.
Might I suggest taking on a ‘reality show’ route to success. It’s been tried and tested you know and contestants have been known to enjoy their 10 minutes of fame (15 minutes of fame is for the bona fide Bollywood toadies). Oh and by the way, a movie with Abhay Deol? Really? Tell me, do you think your brain might need a little tweaking before you make any more stupid, career-crushing decisions?
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Emraan Hashmi must be a worried man these days. His popularity with dizzy, fresh-out-of-school PYTs has been diminishing very rapidly, and the only movies he ever does are those sleazy Vikram Bhatt productions who no one in their right minds would ever want to watch.
And so, when the Bhatts roped him in for their upcoming film Tum Mile which is loosely based on the 26/7 floods, Mr. Hashmi wasted no time making sure everybody and their mother-in-law knew about it. Even before the ink had dried on his contract, Emraan posted pictures of his ‘new Tum Mile look’ on his Twitter page, ruining the carefully plotted plans of the film’s marketing team.
In fact, director Kunal Deshmukh even went so far as to claim that Emraan’s actions ‘were clearly meant for his own personal publicity and were not needed’. Let’s not be naïve Kunal… in B-wood Town where a film is only as successful as the amount of publicity it manages to generate, all publicity will work in your favor; even this so-called drama that you’re creating about a ‘look’ no one gives two hoots about.
So Kunal, spare us the tantrums and pay some attention to getting our serial-kisser to act for a change, will ya? We are more interested in a good plot line and decent acting than we are in cheap hype and crossfire ramblings of two blabbermouths like you and Emraan.
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Madhur Bhandarkar, fearing more snips and swipes from the censor board, has decided to not let Neil Nitin Mukesh go completely nude after all in his movie Jail. And, when you see the pale and pudgy Neil in the pic above, I think you’ll agree it’s a wise decision not only practically, but also aesthetically. There’s only so punishment we are willing to take from Bollywood.
Frankly, I am surprised at how lean Neil can look with clothes on, and how plump he actually is in the buff. After New York and all that basketball with John Abraham, wasn’t he inspired to get more in shape? I mean, I don’t see an iota of muscle anywhere, dude! Maybe you forgot that the camera adds 10-12 pounds and you should factor that in when preparing for a nude scene? A few less pancakes, lattes and chapatis perhaps?
Very sad, considering that this scene in Jail could have been a milestone marking male nudity in Indian cinema.
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