From the category archives:
Bitchiest
‘7 Husbands’ For Overexposed Priyanka Is Too Much For Us To Stomach!!
Filed under : Bitchiest, Priyanka Chopra
After her much talked about dirty dozen roles in Ashutosh Gowarikar’s What’s your Raashee?, Piggy Chops is back doing what she does best – generating unnecessary publicity about her multifarious roles in Vishal Bharadwaj’s soon to be announced 7 Husbands.
Rumour has it than an enterprising Mr. Bharadwaj has roped in Ms. Chops to essay not just one, or two, but seven different roles. And surprise, surprise… Ms. Chops is now scheduled to play 7 coy, blushing “dulhans” to 7 men.
Gee… let me think. If 12 roles = 12 signs of the zodiac, do 7 roles mean that Piggy Chops is treated to a new “dulha “every day of the week? Oooh… Draupadi much?
Does the word OVERKILL ring any bells,Vishal?
I know you’re trying to cash in on our Bollywood industrywallahs’ ‘me too’ syndrome, where every formula that even remotely smacks of mega bucks at the B.O. has to be instantly replicated. So, if 12 awkwardly-dressed Priyankas can catapult Mr. Gowarikar into the realm of mainstream mega-success, why, pray why, should you be left behind?
The point however, that you seem to be so delightfully oblivious to, is that there can indeed be too much of a good thing… in fact, too many of a good thing in this case. Sure, Piggy Chops can act – Kaminey is a testament to the fact, but multiple dulhans… that too, back to back?
Do I hear your financier gleefully counting all the crores he’s saved on not roping in 6 more pouting tartlets, all at the cost of boring his audience to painful tears?
And while we are on the topic of overkill Priyanka, do us all a favor and stop harping on about your different ‘hair bounces’ (whatever that means), like you did with What’s Your Raashee? We don’t want to know how bouncy your hair is, and what brand of shampoo/conditioner you are slyly marketing with your strategic quotes. There’s only so much of your ‘desperate for dollar$’ selling ploys we can handle and we are reaching saturation point!
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After getting depressed because he did not get a solo song with Kylie Minogue as promised in Blue, Zayed Khan seems to have recovered pretty fast. So what if he could not “Chiggy Wiggy” with a Kylie solo? He regained lost ground by gifting Kylie Minogue with a sari. What is more, the sari fit her pretty well. Zayed says she is the same size as his wife …. Ahem! Yes we know Zayed.
Did you at any time during the gifting process ever stop to think that a sari is a very personal and therefore inappropriate gift for a married man to present to a woman? I am sure you had no ulterior motive in mind. You simply wanted to make good with an international star who would have some useful showbiz connections in the outside world. Given the number of rejections you’ve been facing in Bollywood recently, you might need to start looking elsewhere for recognition and work. Smart move but nevertheless when buying gifts for attractive women, consider impersonal gifts like Kashmiri rugs and pieces of art …okay Zyed? Such choices will keep you happily married.
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Indian test cricketers have been told to eat, make love and play. But I am somewhat worried… what if they stop at the first two?!
Well, jokes apart, India coach Gary Kirsten and mental conditioning expert Paddy Upton have taken great pains to assess in depth the team’s weaknesses and prepare an intelligent and sensitive report to guide the team. And, they have dared to talk about the role of sex in enhancing the team’s performance (sic) on the cricket field.
According to the report: “Having sex increases testosterone levels, which causes an increase in strength, aggression and competitiveness. Conversely, not having sex for a few months causes a significant drop…”
Judging from the team’s uncompetitive, lack-lustre performance this year, I would say that many of our boys must have been going without sex for years.
But what is so new about these findings…haven’t players around the world been following that recommended routine for decades and some teams still consistently lag behind others in terms of performance on the field? We still need to find out what really drives and distinguishes winners from losers! So Gary and Kirsten, keep at it dudes and maybe you’ll reveal a really big eureka discovery to us soon enough. Until then, we’ll bite our lips and keep hoping.
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Guess what’s top on Rahul Mahajan’s shopping list this year? A bride! After Rakhi Sawant’s so-called wedding went up in flames, Rahul Mahajan is all set to pick himself a new bride. Look at him chirping away on the television about the honeymoon destinations that he is planning and you immediately think of a drunk baboon hungering for another shot of dry sherry.
It seems almost funny, seeing him this way since he went to all the lengths avoiding the limelight after his father’s death. Interesting what the promise of a little money and fifteen minutes of fame can make a person do. Rahul is seen comparing his life to Jim Carrey’s Truman Show but dear Mr. Mahajan, there is an elementary difference between your buffoonery and the plight of Truman. That difference is free will. While in the movie Jim Carrey had no choice, you willfully parade yourself naked in front of the blazing cameras.
Dude before you even think about getting married again, we suggest that take a little portion of the millions you’ve been making on television and get yourself some personal counseling. Face your demons head on and don’t play out your private life to a jeering audience that really doesn’t give a rat’s tail about your emotional well being. One thing you’ll learn soon enough if you are not careful, is that there’s nothing remotely funny or lovable about a human train wreck in the making. Enough said!
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Rani Mukherjee was asked if she was contemplating buying a stake in IPL teams but she refuses to follow the example of Shilpa, Priety and Juhi and buy an IPL team. She says she has no money. Well, that is not surprising. Her movies are not raking in too much moolah these days. Think Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic and the other one with Saif …… yeah Tara Rum Pum.
Well at least she plays a cricket buff in Dil Bole Hadippa.
She thinks she can’t take on such a big responsibility as owning an IPL team. The timid girl won’t venture into film production or direction either. Her movies aren’t getting rave reviews and she faces the risk of fading away soon if she doesn’t take a big chance at something important in her life.
What’s wrong with you Rani? Where’s that risk-taking passion and fire that wowed your fans in earlier times? Have you become so uninspired and bloated with earlier success that you’ve surrendered yourself to the lazy Bollywood comfort zone?
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No, it wasn’t for Neeta Lulla or her beautiful designs. Sameera Reddy had a personal agenda at the Lakme India Fashion Week. She was there to show off her newly acquired extra-pouting lips! After all, with all that effort that had gone into getting some extra oomph, the newly inflated pouters deserved a grand entry, a platform to be launched, so to speak. And it couldn’t get better than walking the ramp for Lulla.
We have already skewered another starlet, Kangana Ranaut, who had taken similar pains recently to appear pouty. While she got her lip job done in Italy, I wonder where Sameera got hers? Did she go on a vacation recently, folks? Medical tourism, shall we say? But sly Sameera’s not admitting to having anything done and someone close to her claims that her lips look plumper because she’s ‘lost weight’. You may not be too bright Sameera but do we look as if we have a Stupid sign glued on to our back?
Oh, how these lame-brained girls try! Even if half the efforts they put into nose jobs, liposuction, boob and lip augmentation (and then denying it!) went into honing their acting skills, they would all be starring in box office hits as elite “A” list actresses by now.
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After creating much bad blood all over Bollywood land, Shah Rukh Khan is now trying to make things right by extending his olive branch everywhere. Recently, Shah Rukh Khan went apologizing to Aishwarya, hoping to work with her again. Then after he was mauled by the media for creating the ruckus over his detention at Newark, he has been trying to set things right in the light of his upcoming movie My Name is Khan.
It seems that the king has run severely short of publicity stunts. Why else would he go around visiting fellow actors on whom he never even cast a glance before? Though Akshay has always maintained that SRK was the real king indeed, I never knew that they were on such good terms. Now you see photographs of the two superstars together on the sets of Blue. These two are definitely setting an example for others to follow but knowing Bollywood as we all do, something just doesn’t sit right.
Bearing in mind there are also big projects for both SRK and Akki lined up for release, I can’t help but wonder if both of them have come together because they have exhausted all the cheap hype options they are allowed as aging male Bollywood bigwigs. Unlike the femme fatales like Rani Mukherjee or Mallika Sherawat they are not allowed to flash a little boob here and there or saunter around in teeny-weeny bikinis for drooling camera men. So poor ol’ SRK and Akki must keep their pants on and squeeze the phony BFF/nice-guys publicity ruse for all it’s worth. Ah, life can be an *itch sometimes.
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Yikes! Shallow fame-hustler Priyanka now sells herself as a ‘deep woman’!
Filed under : Bitchiest, Priyanka Chopra
Oh Priyanka Chopra, you are so smart, you give all of us women new reasons to celebrate ourselves. Was this what you wanted to hear when you went around telling people that you’re so deep, you can still find a thirteenth avatar in yourself after playing twelve different roles in What’s You Rashee?
Hmmm… maybe after your secret boyfriend ruse and your ‘Gerard Butler can’t live without me‘ lies didn’t work out in your favor, you’re trying to elicit responses from them feminists by trying to sell yourself as a deep woman who’s in touch with her inner self.
Forgive me but I can’t seem to wrap my head around that one! And which deep inner self is that one Priyanka? The hallucinating one with a single digit IQ that can’t figure out by now we all know your vacuous babbling is nothing more than empty hype to promote some lame plot movie you hope to foist on an unsuspecting public?
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It’s official now. Dumb bimbo Rakhi Sawant is not going to marry Elesh. Any last shred of doubt will soon get cleared when in the last episode of Pati Patni aur Woh, Rakhi will declare that she has ‘compatibility’ issues with the NRI. Of course, the world only knew this from the beginning of her swayamvar but now, you will get to hear it from the horse’s mouth.
Of course, since television is what’s made tasteless Rakhi Sawant who she is today, it’s only natural that her betrothal as well as her separation from her betrothed, all happen on the silver screen. While the entire country expects this from Rakhi anyway, I am a little surprised at Elesh. He sits quietly, while his bride-to-be goes on and on about how it is difficult for her to adjust with his ‘extremely western demeanor’.
If I were Elesh, Rakhi would have been given a stern tongue lashing and relegated to ‘nuisance history’ in my life by now. However, since I am not him, the pleasure is not going to be mine. Anyway, money makes people do strange things. I do wonder though, what’s the price of Elesh’s self respect? Is he so desperate for a little notoriety that he is willing to stand behind sleazy Rakhi in her fast-fading 15 minutes of fame and allow himself to be humiliated in front of millions? Truly pathetic! Elesh sweetie, your dignity and manhood just called and they miss you terribly!
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‘Rocket Scientist’ Lara Dutta’s Career Choices of Box Office Flops and Cheesy Roles!
Filed under : Bitchiest, Lara Dutta
Almost immediately after Lara Dutta claims that she is too smart (*cough* what a bimbo *cough*) for comic roles, one wonders about her upcoming movie Do Knot Disturb which incidentally, is a comedy. On retrospect, I am just thinking about Lara’s filmography. One can’t stop at just Partner, her last comic flick which was a downright copy of the Eva Mendes and Will Smith starrer Hitch. In fact, I am also reminded of no brainers like Masti and the indigestible Jhomm Barabar Jhoom where she pulled off a French accent so bad that I am sure the French cried for days on listening to it.
Sure, you need brains to strategically pick movies that would last ten minutes at the box office. Lara, I am completely with you on this babe. It’s easy to get good roles, but to accept only rejects….the chaff after it has been separated from the rice, is not only hard work but also extremely smart and brave. Lara, we are in awe of your ‘genius’ mind. Not too many actresses are bright enough to chose fluff and cheese over substance. Established actresses like Rani Mukherjee and Bipasha Basu must be green with envy. We salute your bravery and your high IQ. You’ll get to the top of your game in no time at all with such a brilliant strategy! You go girl!
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