From the category archives:
Bitchiest
I’m kind of at a loss of words to describe this phenomeon called Rakhee Sawant. Her many Swayamvars, fake parenting gigs, and in-your-face cleavage… I wouldn’t blink an eyelid at any of that, not any more at least.
But her latest status as a self-declared emissary of Jesus Christ has me stumped. And I’m totally zapped by her originality. There’s so many questions I’m dying to ask her. Here goes:
- Why Jesus? Why poor Jesus? Somehow, I can accept Krishna as Rakhee’s preferred diety, but Jesus…? Hasn’t he suffered enough for humanity already?
- Please do not act in this show, if you can do that one small favour for us. Please don’t take it in your head to be Mother Mary, and such. We’ll get really mixed up, and I’m not sure if we’ll ever be able to recover from such trauma.
- You say you have got a research team in place now. Errr, what exactly are they going to tell the world about Jesus that we already don’t know?
- Have you, in any way, been inspired by the success of Dan Brown’s books? (I hope to God the answer is no!) If yes, do you have any idea what kind of work actually went behind the success?
- If not, can you please tell us what exactly made you go ‘holy’, all of a sudden? I can’t take this curiosity, really.
Rakhee, may I suggest an innovative game/reality show, the theme of which will be something like, ‘Guess what’s on Rakhee’s mind’ or ‘What will Rakhee come up with next?’ Categories can include: “Making X-Rated Videos”; “Shameless Fame and Money Hustling”; “New Ways To Get Cheap Publicity” and “Poor Emasculated Elesh”.
And by the way, any news of Elesh, a guy you once used to know?
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To a lot of movie fans, Shahid Kapoor‘s character Charlie in the hit movie Kaminey came through as someone who was gay…someone who wanted or had more than a business relationship with his buddy and handsome partner in crime Mikhail. The vibes were very strong. Were these simply two good actors or was there something more that the director wanted to portray?
I can just imagine the conversation Vishal Bhardwaj may have had with Shahid, explaining the character to him …
Vishal: Dude I think Charlie and Mikhail are a couple
Shahid: Like Abhishek and John?
Vishal: No like Abhishek and Aishwarya
Shahid: ????? ‘Scuse me?
Vishal: Nah Forget it!
The question is… did Vishal want to make Charlie and Mikhail a couple? Or did Shahid unconsciously project the unspoken attraction envisioned by Vishal Bhardwaj? Is this why so many people sensed the gay undertones in the the Spiderman scene when both of them roll over each other?
They had even plan to run off together when they make a pile of money. Very, very romantic wouldn’t you say?
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Smiles and camraderie eh ladies?
Put two aging and feuding beauty queens together, in the same movie and you’ll expect feathers to fly right? Well nothing of the sort happened when Sushmita Sen and Lara Dutta were given co-starring roles in the David Dhawan comedy Do Knot Disturb.
Thankfully both self-appointed divas realised that no one’s really interested in exploiting some old, stale catfight that may have happened years ago (yawn…who cares?) and were able able to push aside their differences and give professional performances. Good move ladies. You are no longer in your prime and neither one of you counts as an A list, in-demand actress.
You must have realized that with sexy, young controversial tarts and starlets clawing their way into the Bollywood limelight, it is best that you practice some age-appropriate behaviour and act with dignity and self-respect. It might earn you some much-needed acting roles in the future and it saved us from having to endure another dull, insignificant and media-overblown hype story about nothing at all.
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Pritam Chakraborty is a worried man. The composer who is well known for his incurable tendency to blatantly lift and rehash other composers’ music only to shamelessly market it as his own, recently had the tables turn on him.
That’s right… the rip-off king was finally beaten at his own game by Pakistani singer-composer Nouman Javaid. The song in question was specially ‘created’ and ‘composed’ by Pritam babu for Mahesh Bhatt’s forthcoming venture Tum Mile. To make matters worse, even before Pritam could claim his moment in the sun, Nouman released a music video and several lengthy interviews claiming ownership to the track.
Pritam claims that he tried a ‘dummy recording’ with Nouman, whom he also collaborated with for another Mahesh Bhatt flick named Jashnn, but decided not to use the track because ‘his voice was inappropriate’. So, Pritamda went ahead and re-recorded the track with Kay Kay… only to find that his brain child was now being flaunted on Youtube.com!
Ever heard about that snippy little thing called karma, Pritam? Yes, the same little thing that comes back to thump you over the head when you least expect it? Maybe now you know what all those immensely talented composers and genuine musicians felt like, when you so shamelessly paraded their work as your own?
Given your not-so-impressive track record, it’s highly doubtful that any filmmaker would want to risk their hard-earned money on you, especially when there are so many legal tangles like copyright laws and hefty damage law suits involved. Maybe, just maybe, if you’d had a stellar track record, people would be more understanding of this so-called ‘unfortunate incident’, what say?
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Shirish Kunder – whose only claim to fame thus far is hitching up with the garrulous Farah Khan – is trying so hard to prove that he actually has some reason to keep gate-crashing and freeloading at Page 3 parties, he’s busy registering a bunch of totally insane (to the point of plain idiotic) film names.
Curious? Here’s a sneak peek at some of the bombshell duds the Shirish Kunder Film Company is planning to assault millions of unsuspecting junta with, in the near future:
- Animals
- Banjo Party
- Bachelor of Love (I swear I didn’t make this up!)
- Muscle Power
- Son of a Gun
- Technicolor
- Triple Cross
Don’t blink and doubt yourselves. You read it correctly. The obvious question that comes to mind…. did this dude stop taking his medication? We all know that Farah Khan wears the pants in the house, at least when it comes to directing painful cheesy debacles like Main Hoon Na and dishing out nonsensical potshots at older, much more credible actors. So, when Madame Khan is busy nursing a set of twins, it’s obvious that the endless stream of party invitations and free booze must be drying up… which is why Shirish bhai has turned to Quentin Terantino and Robert Rodriguez for inspiration. For those of you who still don’t catch on, the duo are famous for their very innovative (bizarre even) movie titles like: Faster, Pussycat Kill Kill; Curdled; Shorts; Inglorious Basterds and Reservoir Dogs.
The difference however, is that most of these movies actually have two little things that all Shirish Kunder productions have been missing thus far – a great plotline and terrific acting.
So Mr. Kunder, spare yourself the expense of registering such inane names for your productions. At this stage, you should be more concerned about who you’re going to rope in to act for movies called Bachelor of Love and Son of a Gun, because I’m sure that ditzy as they may be, our Bollywood bimbos can still comprehend English well enough (or at least know people who can read and explain to them) to know the difference between quirky/artsy and plain IDIOTIC/STUPID. And please get back on your medication before the mental health officers read that list and come sniffing around.
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Memo To Blabbermouth Shashi Tharoor: How About Tweeting Less and Working More?
Filed under : Bitchiest, Shashi Tharoor
Our desi politicos sure are an interesting bunch…so interesting in fact, that when your brain gives up on you owing to generous doses of Ekta Kapoor’s signature BS, you can always flip to the ‘real news’ and then proceed to tear your hair out with frustration.
Take for example, the latest internet-savvy neta on the block – Shashi Tharoor. After stirring up a ruckus with his ‘cattle class’ tweets, the man is now back in action again, moaning and groaning about ‘too much work’ and ‘too many files’.
Dude, seriously, what on earth is your problem? If you’re so starved for controversy, why don’t you just ditch your neta hat and audition for Ekta Kapoor’s soppy soaps. I’m sure she’d be more than willing to find room for you. In the meanwhile, perhaps you could hand over your work responsibilities to someone a little more mature who will actually show us the results we’ve all been waiting for? Because honestly, we’ve just about had it with your ‘poor me’ moans and groans. Has it ever occurred to you that if you’d spend less time surfing the net and tweeting whiney comments, you would actually have the time to clear your desk?
Congress President Sonia Gandhi – are you listening?
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Koena Mitra who? If that’s what you’re thinking, fear not, you are not the only one.
The tarty, surgically-enhanced wannabe starlet who faded away from public memory after a brief item girl stint (remember Saaki Saaki from Musafir?) is now clamoring for her second go at mega show-biz success (you wish!) with a couple of tacky tattoos.
These include:
- A strategically placed belly chain
- An anklet
Koena claims that her tattoos are a ‘replacement for jewellery’ as ‘she doesn’t like wearing jewels everyday’. A better way to put that Koena, would be, ‘can’t afford jewellery’, what say?
With the itty-bitty roles drying up, and that disastrous monstrosity you call a ‘plastic nose’, it must be hard to make ends meet… even more so, when your air-headed contemporary Mallika is busy lapping up all the hunky-dory internet sleaze-factor awards. At least with fake tattoo jewellery, you’ll no longer have to think up innovative excuses about each time someone points at your faux diamonds, or fool’s gold.
Smart thinking!
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Scheming Priyanka: Daddy would be ashamed of her ploys and pretences
Filed under : Bitchiest, Priyanka Chopra
So Priyanka Chopra has finally decided to come clean on her relationship status. For the uninitiated, she has lately been dropping hints of a mysterious beau, whom she would not name but at the same time she claims that she isn’t not really seeing anyone. That’s almost obvious Priyanka because you can’t really see people who do not exist!
What’s even funnier, while she tells the world that she has not been romantically linked with any of her co-stars so far, she also asks a sombre question ‘how would a father would react to the rumours of his daughter having a string of affairs?‘
Umm… I don’t know Priyanka, how about you answer this question for us though? How does your father feel about you honey, since you are the one who first created all the hype about your romantic entanglements in the first place?
Priyanka when you say that you would shout from the rooftops if you ever find ‘the one’, I for one believe you. Knowing you, as we all indeed do, you would definitely be the one to shout out all intimate secrets from your personal life! You would probably take out press, radio and television ads, hire a blimp to write it in the sky and even invite Ekta Kapoor to dramatize the event if you thought it would earn you some free publicity and a Bollywood role. Yup…you’re that desperate for fame. Frightening huh?
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Poor Faded Soha Reduced To Locking Lips With Serial kisser Emraan
Filed under : Bitchiest, Emraan Hashmi
Seeing Emraan Hashmi putting his lips to good use is nothing new for us but if it’s Soha Ali Khan puckered up on the other side, we’re all ears.
I hear there was a time when Soha said that she wouldn’t be kissing Emraan in their upcoming Tum Mile…‘but believe it or not, she has ended up locking lips with him not once, but twice! Mmmm… Now that’s interesting. Actually I don’t blame her. With the surgically enhanced bosoms of the newcomers (read Sherlyn Chopra), the plunging necklines (read Rani Mukherjee) and the decreasing hem lines (read all of the Bollywood actresses), Soha needs a miracle to revive her dead career.
Let’s face it, her choice of roles hasn’t done her any good and while fellow stars like Abhay Deol have struck gold doing non-commercial movies, Soha’s career has been sinking in the depths of despair. So what does she do? She goes the commercial way, choosing to lock lips with the serial kisser, hoping that some of the kissing fame may fall her way.
That’s a nice practical way to look at things girlfriend. If nothing else, you will at least make news kissing the serial kisser! A little saliva and pride in exchange for some publicity isn’t such a bad deal after all…is it Soha?
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Save us please! Conceited crooner Himesh is blowing hot air again…..
Filed under : Bitchiest, Himmesh Reshammiya
They say ‘vanity knows no bounds’. But in Bollywood, this quote rings true with just one minor alteration – vanity and an insatiable hunger for free, undeserved publicity know no bounds.
Take for instance the dozens of airheaded bimbos who proudly flaunt their surgically enhanced assets and Botox-injected lips with merry abandon, only to staunchly deny all accusations of the dreaded P word – Plastic surgery.
The newest kid on the block to hop on to this surgically enhanced bandwagon is none other than our very own Himesh ‘ooooohhhh huzooooor’ Reshammiya who first went to great lengths to announce a super-dooper top-secret expose with his maiden Bollywood debut, claiming that it would finally reveal the ‘real secret’ behind his incessant need to wear a cap. Well, the film sank without a trace, and the junta soon learned that Himesh’s claims were nothing more than hot-air about his rapidly thinning hairline.
So, a dozen ridiculous wigs and a shoddy hair-weaving job later, Himesh finally landed his second role opposite a cleavage-heaving starlet and promptly got to work planning a new ‘expose’ to lure audiences into wasting their hard-earned money over his pitiful histrionics. Thus arrived his ‘second voice’ which has been kept secret from the public for god-knows-what reason… until the release of his second movie, that is.
Himesh claims:
“I can only say that I have been blessed with two distinct voices – one is a high-pitched nasal voice and the other is a middle octave voice. All this time, people have heard my high-pitched vocal verve, with Mann Ka Radio it is my other awaaz.”
By now, the junta had had enough of Himesh’s brain-dead claims to pay absolutely no attention to his brand new voice… which is when Himesh realized that he needed something much bigger, more spectacular and more controversial to set tongues wagging.
And so, the calculating crooner finally decided to go under the knife to re-shape his naak. So now, we don’t just have to endure two voices (like one wasn’t bad enough), we also have to unwillingly gawk at his plastic hooter and supposedly toned and trimmed body!
Aarrgh… the agony of it all! Himesh bhai, please go back to recording studio and lock yourself in there for good, until you finally realize that the only words we want to hear from you, don’t need to be spoken – they need to be sung… and tunefully at that.
Stop wasting your time and ours with your mid-life crisis and age-inappropriate dress sense. Hard to believe but some of us actually liked you when you restricted your loud mouth to crooning catchy numbers. But that respect is fading, fast…so if you want to hold on to your diminishing fan base and credibility…. shut up and sing!
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